And it came to pass that HK, the Egocentrifugal didst ask Eris why people couldn’t let people be themselves. It went like this.

HK: "Eris, why..."

ERIS: "I can read, I know what you’re going to ask. You and your need to write things down, I swear."

HK: "Swear to who?"

ERIS: "Puhleeze! Anyway, the reason people try to control other people is like comparing Golden Kallisti Apples to grapefruits. Now before you ask me, `why grapefruits’, let me explain. I know for a fact that you don’t like grapefruits. Why don’t you like them?"

HK: "They’re sour and messy and nasty, but I’m not really overly fond of apples either, but I have been known to eat one occasionally."

ERIS: "Um, yeah, anyway, back to grapefruits. Big, messy, sour nasty, true, but they’re BIGGER than apples, so people assume they’re better! But once they bite into one, they realise it’s gross."

HK: "Some people like grapefruits. They’re good for you."

ERIS: "You suck."

HK: "What?"

ERIS: "Do I stutter!?"

HK: "Calm down!"

ERIS: "Don’t tell me to calm down! And stop writing what I’m saying!"

( Brief Interlude, then...)

HK: "Hail Eris."

ERIS: "Very good. Now, what was your question?"

HK: "Why do people feel the need to control other people and not let them be their..."

ERIS: "Ah, okay, well, that’s like comparing apples to grapefruits."

HK: "No, it’s not."

ERIS: "FINALLY!!!!"

HK: "What!?"

ERIS: "I swear, you’re slower than a dead snail sometimes."

HK: "You lost me."

ERIS: "Ain’t life grand?"

HK: "So, it has nothing to do with apples and grapefruit?"

ERIS: "If you say so."

HK: "I’m asking you though!"

ERIS: "Why?"

HK: "You’re Goddess! You’ll give me the right answer!"

ERIS: "And...?"

HK: "And what!?"

ERIS: "Calm down!"

HK: "Why do people control other people and not let them be themselves!?"

ERIS: "That again!?

HK: "YES!"

ERIS: "They don’t."

HK: "Wha’!?"

ERIS: "They don’t control other people and not let them be themselves."

HK: "Yeah, right! Then why do we have racism, bigotry and all that other lovely..."

ERIS: "And what does that control exactly?"

HK: "Fear! It controls through fear! It’s all corrupt! It’s all a power game and..."

ERIS: "I thought you didn’t like grapefruit."

HK: "I don’t."

ERIS: "Then why do you keep eating it?"

HK: "I don’t eat grapefruit!"

ERIS: "Yes you do. Look at you, sour, messy, endulging in the bigness of it all, over and over. You’re ignoring the Golden Apple."

HK: "But..."

ERIS: "You were right, some people do like grapefruit, whether they will admit to it or not. Trust me, the Apple is sweeter. Maybe you should try it. The reason a lot of people eat grapefruit is because it’s all they know. Share the Apples, they’ll catch on."

HK: "I thought there wasn’t a relation?"

ERIS: "There’s not."

HK: "Then... why..."

ERIS: "Because the world doesn’t work that way, but you do. You ask why people control other people, they don’t, people control themselves in accordance with what other people think is appropriate. The only Apple and the only grapefruit are the ones you carry. No one forces it upon you except you."

HK: "Oh hell..."

ERIS: "Yep."

And Eris did depa...

ERIS: "No, I didn’t, this isn’t over. You’re going to play apostle for a moment."

HK: "Um, okay."

ERIS: "Take a letter."

HK: "Right."

ERIS: "To the Legion of Dynamic Discord, all Erisian wannabes and anyone else who will read this. I have trusted this dolt..."

HK: "HEY!"

ERIS: "AHEM! This Discordian Dolt, better?"

HK: "Yes."

ERIS: *laughing* "This Discordian Dolt to deliver unto the land these, my words, for the purpose of sharing my wisdom. Let it be known that no great times approach. Let it be known that no new Aeons will usher in any Golden Age. Let it be known that hot-dogs are currently on sale at Winn-Dixie. Anyway, back to Aeons and Golden Ages, for their time is not yet to come, but their time is no time and all time and that time is now."

HK: "What does that mean?"

ERIS: "That was for the stoners. Here’s the plain english version.GET OFF YOUR ASS AND MAKE THE WORLD MORE FUCKING FUN, YOU MORON!!!"

HK: "Wasn’t that harsh?"

ERIS: "It was directed towards you, everyone else would have understood the first message."

HK: "..."

ERIS: "Ha ha ha ha ha! I’m leaving now, be a good dolt and give this to Madog. After all, he’s the one with the Golden Girdle."

And Eri...

ERIS: "One more thing, nothing really knows your name, only something can do that."

........

HK: "Hail Eris."

END.